Aren’t we getting tired of nothing coming out of the Republicans but a bunch of nonsensical and mendacious huff & puff? America’s drowning in serious issues requiring intelligent discourse, political compromise and reasonable resolution but what’s coming out of the right is pure Theatre of the Absurd; it’s killing them and, frankly, it’s so preposterous it’s not able to hold the Democrats accountable for the things they need to explain or work harder to accomplish.
If President Obama found a cure for cancer his opponents would scream “Obama’s warring on your God given right to die and go to heaven!” Pat Robertson would praise the manifest virtues of death bed conversions and Hannity would interview Orly Taitz who’d offer demented proof that the forger who signed Obama’s birth certificate also forged certificates for Rosemary’s Baby and a kid called Damien. No one, including Hannity, would have a clue what she’s talking about but O’Reilly would jump on it and interview Tim LaHaye, author of the “Left Behind” series. LaHaye would say “Yes; people who accept Obama’s cure for cancer will be left behind after the Rapture.”The Catholic bishops would denounce Obama for attacking the sacraments of Reconciliation, Communion, and Anointing of the Sick, and probably also St. Jude. “We cannot allow any action that will threaten our religious right to miracles,” Cardinal George of Chicago would warn.
Congressional leaders would claim cancer’s a job creator. Boehner will say it will cost America “240 gazilliontrillion jobs”because coffin makers, embalmers, florists and Hallmark sympathy card artists“will flee to third world countries where the death industry still thrives.”The insurance industry, smarting over being denied its traditional role screwing sick people, will spend millions lobbying against Obama’s socialist attack on life insurance agents.
Palin will have seen this coming from her front porch. “It’s as obvious as a pit bull with lipstick! Well, Mr. President, we reject your socialism, fascism, Islamic North Korean Hitleresque assault on God! You cannot tell Americans of this great nation how they will die!” Warming to her subject, she’ll throw in a few “Drill! Baby Drill!” cheers for good measure.
Of course, Republican wannabees for the presidential nomination will chime in too. Mitt will say “Well those aren’t exactly the words I might have used Tuesday or the words I would have chosen Thursday but that was before I denied the words I said last month about what I’ll say tomorrow.” Trust him to add “I believe in letting the free market determine what kills us. Curing cancer robs the drug industry and its investors of their right to make billions off human suffering and that, my friends, is not what this country is all about! Cancer is people too!”
Santorum will be furious. “This infanticide of cancer cells before they’re even born will not be tolerated when I’m elected pope… err, excuse me, president. If we allow the president to cure cancer pretty soon we’ll have man-on-dog sex in every hospital in America. There’s a clear logical progression here, a true moral slippery slope. I can’t explain it to you but trust me it’s there and it’s Biblical. Cancer is a gift from God. If you have cancer you should thank God for the gift and learn to live with it.”
Newt, never to be outdone, will remind us he’s the only electable candidate with real experience in Washington and then say “When Hillary Clinton warred on cancer I was there to stop her. As the only professor of history in this primary I can assure you I understand the history of death. No president has the right to tell you or your family how you should die. If people allowed someone to eradicate plague in the early 1300s we wouldn’t have had the Black Death and as the smartest guy in the country I can assure you there’s some historical relevance here somewhere and if you elect me as president I’ll bamboozle our enemies in Iran with the same academic flim flam I’m telling you tonight.”
Ron Paul would be out to lunch but eventually he’d issue a statement that he’d never use tax dollars to cure cancer -- but that’s no surprise because he’d never use tax dollars for anything.At least thirty states would legislate against“Obamadeath.” Mississippi and Texas would be quick to ban federal funds to cure cancer in their states and others would quickly mandate that before you receive a biopsy some opening in your body (no one cares which) is probed, photographed, and becomes a part of your permanent record with the Secretary of State. To placate critics, however, some bills would allow voters to use these medical records as their valid ID’s when they try to vote… proving once again there’s an upside to everything.